gonna start with my first entry.. previously i already have a blogg located @ ebloggy.. but its kinda messed up.. so decided to start another one here using blogger.. still a newbie here. hahas.. still trying to get use to it bahx.. hmmx.. to start off with ytd stuff..
ytd was just like any plain old saturday.. woke up at ard 9 plus, used the comp and all, had an afternoon nap den at ard 4 plus decided to go to lot one’s library alone. bleahx. like zi bi like that.. hahas.. anywaez, just felt like going there.. after that, met up with alvin and sean, den go yishun for tkd as usual.. mich didn’t turn up.. cuz she sick. den me sianz 1/2 lorx.. go training alone.. cuz sean going for Europa mahx.. hmmx. during tkd was kinda lonely though.. despite the fact that denise, mandy, cindy and tabita was there to pei me.. but its like. oso nort the same belt level mahx.. oh yea.. found out that that blue belt guy is “heng teng” =P hehex.. den ytd learned new pattern.. kinda complicated.. after training went to LJS to have my dinner.. sianz sia.. every saturday my dinner oso the same onez.. anywaez. bo bian. no $$ mahx.. went home after that..
den its like. i was thinking, go home can rest le.. but hell no the minute i stepped into my hse, my mum started to nag me againz.. what the hell sia.. i mean its like, i reached home at 1020pm lorx. like that oso call late.. what can i do right?. ytd late release mahx. kaoz. and there she goes, telling me to quit tkd and stuffs like that. fuck lors. just beuz of this tiny issue and she wants me out of tkd. anywaez, there wont be of any chance to get me out of tkd de lors. den its like, my parents oso damn bias de lors. all my tkd stuffs, i pay myself. and guess what?. they are willing to pay for my brother and nort mine. just that i nv voice out nia.. and its not a small amount lorx.
- $30++ for tkd uniform
- $12 for 2 belts
- $75 for 5 gradings
- $39.90 for my adidas arm n shin guard.
it sums up to ard $157 lors.. nice number eh?. all of this. using my own money. and they didn’t even bother to help me pay.. i mean its like “hello?” i’m not working or anything like that, and wher do my money come from?. my pocket money?. which is like. $25 a week?. wth man. whats more is that. whenever i use the comp, i will get hell lots of complains and naggings. even when i said that i’m using for my hmwk. and there they goes, saying how much time i’m spending on the comp rather than on my sch stuffs. they just don’t see what i’m alwaez doing after sch. den again. what about my brother?. he spends much more longer hours on the comp than me. and he claims that he’s doing his hmwk when he’s not. wth. and he doesn’t get any scoldings, naggings or whatever shit which i’m alwaez getting. what is this.. why am i always getting all the scoldings when he’s not?. i don’t deserve all this shit. i’ve always done much more better than him in studies. and i spend lesser hours on the comp. i’m always trying to please my parents in doing so. but what do i get in return?. why bother doing so much stuff when all i get is all this shit?. den again. i don’t think all of you even deserve my respect. people say that being the youngest at home gets more privilege. yea rite. think again. all they know how to say is that my results sucks and all. but can’t they use their brains for once and think. i’m the only express student at home. and hey. i’m taking double pure sci okae?. who do i turn to, when i met with problems in studies?. can all of you help me in any other way?. a maths?. pure sci?. hell no. all you do is talk. you doesn’t even care about how i feel. oh ya. i forgot. you probably doesn’t even care about what’s going on in my life. all you wanna know is whether i flunked my tests and if i have a bf. what about my achievements?. no one cared. there were no comments from anyone of you when i gort a good grade or when i improved in my maths tests. all you said was that “what abt the other subjects?.” or “you still haven’t pass” when i’m kinda glad about my improvement and all i get is being thrown with all these remarks. disappointment drowned me. nobody cared about what i’m doing well in life when all they looked out for, are my mistakes.
i went on stage, in front of the whole school population for the speech for running the post of presidency in leo club. which wasn’t an easy task for me. and dad?. i don’t think you even know. you didn’t even wish me luck. just those few words. could have made me feel much more confident up there when delivering my speech. but dad. all you said was that i’m too involved in my ccas. what about my achievements?. and. what about a month ago. when i first put on my contact lens?. you did not say a thing. and dad?. you probably didn’t even noticed. do you know how i felt?. i felt that you didn’t care about me anymore. you don’t understand me, you don’t care about me the way you used to, when i was much more younger. hey dad. what happened. did you changed. or have i changed. what i reallie want to tell you, is that. i’m still the same old me, who still yearns for respect, care and concern from you n mum.
and sometimes. do you even know how i wished that i wasnt in this world. my stomach is killing me at times. when all you did was to nag at me. you did not ask me to see the doc. and i don’t even dare to ask for money to see the doc. all i could do. is to let it be. do you understand the pain i’m getting?. i have diarrhoea almost everyday. and sometimes even up to five times a day. i can’t eat like a normal kid in school and do you even know how i felt?. stuffs i couldn’t eat.. too sour, too spicy, too oily, deep fried stuffs, titbits, cold stuffs.. all this will result in me having diarrhoea or unbearable pain. whenever i feel stress, excited, anxious, worry or think too much, my stomach will pain.. also. the doc said before that. i’ve gort a weak/sensitive stomach. what can i do. its not my fault..
den again.. maybe all of you really did care about me.. all those scoldings.. all those naggings.. but i just don’t feel the care and concern..
all the pressure i’m receiveing. all the disappointment i’m receiving really drowns me.. it made me hate loneliness.. and made me feel that i’m unwanted.. and i don’t think anyone would be bothered by my absence nor presence..
living in a world of pitch darkness
